


Too hot to handle

by diner_drama



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Abseiling, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Beach Holidays, But Steven We Are Contractually Obliged Not To Fuck, Everyone is Bisexual, F/F, F/M, M/M, Paintball, Reality TV, This kinda went off the rails tbh, Trust exercises, but in a fun way
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 18:53:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25990123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diner_drama/pseuds/diner_drama
Summary: If you were in paradise with these people and had to resist sex, could you? Hell, no. Nobody can keep in in their pants these days, 'cause hooking up is as easy as swiping right, so obviously...We've found the hottest, horniest, commitment-phobic swipesters and given them what they think is the most exotic and erotic summer of their lives, only to reveal that one thing is off the menu.Sex.Bucky had not been planning to spend his summer participating in a reality TV show, but when he lays eyes on the gleaming specimen of perfection in the red, white and blue shorts, he figures it's probably worth it.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 25
Kudos: 57





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [How to Survive a Reality TV Dating Show...Without Really Trying](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25093624) by [katietonks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/katietonks/pseuds/katietonks). 



> This is based on a really terrible Love Island-style reality TV show I saw on Netflix called Too Hot To Handle. You do not need to watch the show in order to understand this fic and frankly I cannot in good conscience recommend it.
> 
> I got the idea to write this from reading katietonks' Love Island fic, which I do strongly recommend that you read.

Bucky had not been planning to spend his summer participating in a reality TV show.

In fact, he had some fairly detailed plans involving the entire _Dune_ series of books, a job in the Starbucks just off campus, and hanging out in his favourite gym. His sister, however, had other ideas. 

"It's going to be the next _Love Island_ ," she insisted as she presented him with the application form, which she'd already filled in with his details. "You've already banged your way around half the city, it's time to widen your dating pool."

"I don't need you to find dates for me, Becca," he grumbled, batting her hand away.

"People that go on these shows end up getting careers in the media," she wheedled. "Don't you think this would be good for your broadcast journalism degree? It's almost like an internship."

He folded his arms and fixed her with a scowl.

"OK," she said, taking a sip from her drink and setting down her glass. "Final offer, you do this or I tell mom what you did in New Jersey over winter break."

"Done," he replied reluctantly. "I regret trusting you."

"I hope it teaches you a valuable lesson. And I really do hope you find someone nice."

He promptly forgot the entire conversation, until shortly before his end-of-year exams he got a phone call from one of the producers, inviting him for an interview. 

After acing the interview, sort-of-acing his exams and packing ten pairs of swim trunks into a tiny suitcase, he landed at the airport and quietly cursed his charming personality and handsome looks for yet again getting him into a ridiculous situation. 

He did pack _Dune_ , though, so maybe his summer wouldn't be a total bust.

* * *

Steve's mom was fussing over the collar of his Hawaiian shirt, straightening and re-straightening it as they stood waiting for the baggage drop-off queue. 

"You'll remember what I told you about safe sex while you're over there, won't you?" she fretted, patting the condoms she'd slipped into his shirt pocket. "I could get out the flash cards-"

"Mom, no," laughed Steve, batting her hands away. "I don't need to see the diagrams again. Aren't you the one that told me to sign up and come home with the love of my life?"

"The love of your life, yes. Gonorrhoea, no."

" _Mother_."

* * *

The resort was beautiful, waving palm trees dotted along the perimeter of a beautiful white-sand beach with azure waves lapping the shore. The fresh-smelling breeze from the ocean ruffled Bucky's hair, pulling strands from his bun to whip around his face. A member of staff took his suitcase from him and strapped a microphone around his neck, the battery pack on a low-slung strap around his hips, blending into the black of his tight little swim shorts. His chest was bare, the tanning oil lending a light gleam to his skin. He pulled his hair free, leaving the elastic around his wrist, and shook it out, allowing the wavy strands of his hair to tumble free around his face. 

Squaring his shoulders, he stepped out into the main compound, trying his best to ignore the cameras that he knew were hidden everywhere. The wooden floor was sun-warm under his bare feet, as he strode down the steps towards the central meeting area. There were two other contestants there already, sharing a bottle of champagne from an ice bucket and having a murmured conversation.

"Hey there stud!" called a curvy brunette with black-rimmed glasses, perfect curls cascading over her shoulders, pouty cherry-red lips, and a truly transcendental pair of tits. "Come on over, get to know us better."

"Girls," he said with his most dazzling grin, turning on the charm. "Swell to meet you. I'm Bucky."

"I'm Darcy," she replied, handing him a plastic flute of champagne and flinging an arm around the other woman's shoulders, "and this here is Carol."

Carol, who had short blonde hair and a broad, friendly smile, whooped and kissed him on the cheek in greeting.

"Whassup?" she said, giving him finger guns and transporting the entire conversation back to the 1990s for a brief moment.

"Word," responded Bucky, shooting her the finger guns right back.

A flip-flip hit the back of Bucky's head with pin-point accuracy. Rubbing his scalp, he turned around to see a man in loud purple swim shorts waving at him from the top of a nearby beach hut.

"That's Clint," said Carol. "I'm not sure what his deal is."

"Everybody relax," called a voice from further up the path. A dark-haired man with a goatee, a pair of red-tinted sunglasses and the most confidence that can possibly be sustainable inside a single human being was parading towards them with arms outstretched as if accepting imaginary applause. "I am here to relieve you from a drab, Tony Stark-less existence."

He stopped on seeing Bucky and tipped his glasses down to inspect his torso. "Wow," he said, poking at his abs. "A washerwoman could make great use out of these. Make them all yourself?"

"What," said Bucky quietly, but Tony had already moved on. 

"Ladies, you truly are dazzling visions of loveliness. Oh, is that champagne? Don't mind if I do."

The arrival of the next contestant made Bucky wish he'd brought his sunglasses with him as he was dazzled by the light reflecting from his gleaming, perfect chest, which was attached to the prettiest face he had ever seen in his life. When they all turned to face him, the new arrival's face was suffused with a blush that spread down to his chest, dusting his lovely pecs with pink.

"Hello everyone," he said with a sheepish wave. "I'm Steve."

"Hi," breathed Bucky, all of his cool suddenly deserting him to leave him making moon-eyes at Steve, who carried on blushing and hid behind a glass of champagne, not making eye contact with anyone.

The rest of his new peers arrived and introduced themselves in short order. Peggy, a striking brunette with a crisp English accent and a firm handshake. Sam, a handsome, stocky man with a gap between his front teeth and an infectious laugh. Natasha, a redhead with a calculating look and an inescapable air of mystery. Pepper, who was wearing an immaculately tailored dress instead of a swimsuit. Bruce, who had a self-effacing sense of humour and a set of wicked abs peeking out from the gap in his unbuttoned blue shirt, and Wanda, who had a lilting, musical accent that he couldn't place.

The atmosphere was, frankly, charged. Clearly, they had all arrived for the same purpose - to hook up - and none of them were wasting any time. A couple of glasses of champagne in and they had formed a big, giggly heap on the vast white couch, even bashful Steve being pulled in by Natasha and nestled between Peggy and Bruce. Acres of gleaming skin was on display, with caresses being freely given and received, tiny swimsuits riding up to give better access to questing hands. Bucky was sandwiched between Darcy and Clint, making some token attempt at conversation while he and Clint ran their fingers through Darcy's hair, and she made happy noises at the feeling of their fingernails scratching circles on her scalp.

He managed to find out that Clint was an archery instructor, that Darcy was a political sciences major, and that Clint liked it when he ran a hand up his bicep and gently smoothed over the skin. Glimpsing over to the other end of the sofa, he noticed that Steve was still blushing, but had untensed enough to have one hand on Bruce's knee and the other playing with Peggy's hair.

A pinging sound emanated from a squat little speaker on a side table.

"Hello," said the speaker in a tinny, robotic voice. "I am Jarvis, the resident AI. My purpose is to put you on the path towards making deeper and more meaningful connections."

"Hi, Jarvis," they chorused. Clint waved.

"You have been specially selected because all of you are having meaningless flings instead of genuine relationships. The purpose of this retreat is to help you make deeper emotional connections in your personal relationships. As an incentive towards your development, I have allocated a prize of one million dollars."

The room filled with cheers as they digested this piece of information.

"However, there are conditions to your stay here. You will have to abstain from sexual practices for the entirety of your stay."

Tony gasped and dropped his flute of champagne on the ground, where it bounced.

"Aww," said Clint, pouting. "Plot twist."

"That means no kissing, no heavy petting, or sex of any kind," said Jarvis severely.

"So is light petting OK?" asked Natasha in an undertone, not removing her hand from where it was resting on Peggy's hip.

"This will also apply to self-gratification," the AI continued, to general groaning.

"I'm at Bible camp," moaned Steve, tipping back his head. "This is Bible camp all over again."

"Any breaking of these rules will result in deduction from the total prize money. Welcome to the retreat," concluded the machine.

The silence after this announcement was deafening, and slowly, hands were taken out of swimsuits.

"Split between the 12 of us, that's $83,333 each," said Bruce quietly.

"And 33 cents," added Tony after letting out a low whistle. "Speaking as someone who may or may not be temporarily slightly disowned by his wealthy father for reasons that are only somewhat my fault, that is a non-zero amount of money."

"I say we agree to do this," announced Steve, standing up and crossing his arms, looking like a big, strong superhero in his red, white and blue swim shorts. "If we work collectively, this money could do a lot of good."

"I don't know how you can say that with a straight face with your tits out like that," commented Natasha, eyeing him up and down. Steve blushed again.

Still stuck in the hot, sweaty press of bodies on the couch, Bucky weighed up his options. His student loans weren't going to pay themselves off, but with his head resting on Sam's thigh, his front pressed against Darcy's soft side and Clint plastered to his back, the rational part of his brain was not running the show.

The discussion over the new rules continued as the sun set over the beach, throwing orange and gold light over the villa, suffusing their gleaming bodies with a warm glow. A few of the contestants tried to separate themselves from temptation, decamping to separate chairs, perching in odd positions around the room. Bucky stayed inside the shifting tangle of limbs, comforting himself that even if he wasn't allowed to act on his desires, he could still indulge in the pleasure of human touch.

After night had truly fallen, Jarvis broke into their conversation to instruct them all to make their way into the bedroom to sleep.

On rounding the corner to enter their sleeping quarters, Sam stopped short and threw his hands in the air in annoyance. "Oh, come on!"

"Six beds for twelve people," said Peggy archly, looking over his shoulder. "It's as though they're trying to make it difficult for us."

"So, easy, we just pair up people of the same sex," shrugged Clint, throwing himself onto the nearest bed. "Wait, no. Who's straight?"

Tony snorted, shouldering his way past Sam and Peggy to flop onto the bed next to Clint. "They don't let straight people go on television, Tweety Bird."

Darcy strolled in and investigated one of the nightstands. "Condoms!" she exclaimed, waving a fistful of shiny silver packets. "Why the hell did they leave us with a million condoms if we're not supposed to use them?"

"At least they gave us dental dams, too," said Wanda, resting her chin on Darcy's shoulder to look in the drawer. "That is very progressive of them."

"We just have to stay strong," said Steve firmly, taking a bed near the window and gesturing to Carol to take the other side. The rest of them filed in and after some discussion, chose their beds.

"C'mon," said Natasha to Bucky, gesturing to an empty bed near the corner. He lay on his back and she tucked herself under his arm. 

Quiet fell over the whole cohort - Wanda with her head pillowed on Darcy's tits, Steve and Carol curled up facing in opposite directions, Sam and Bruce lying head-to-foot, Peggy and Pepper having a whispered conversation in the dark, and Tony and Clint both taking up as much space as possible without actually touching.

As his exhaustion after his busy day finally hit him, Bucky let his eyes drift closed, and he reflected, feeling Natasha's soft body pressed against him, that it was going to be a very long and frustrating summer.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve woke with a start when the lights in the bedroom all switched on at once and Jarvis let out a cheerful "bing bong". Remembering all at once where he was and what was going on, he was relieved to find that he and Carol had stayed firmly on their own sides of the bed for the night.
> 
> "Today is the first full day of your retreat," said Jarvis brightly. "The weather will be sunny, with highs of 82 degrees Fahrenheit, and no chance of sex."

Steve woke with a start when the lights in the bedroom all switched on at once and Jarvis let out a cheerful "bing bong". Remembering all at once where he was and what was going on, he was relieved to find that he and Carol had stayed firmly on their own sides of the bed for the night.

"Today is the first full day of your retreat," said Jarvis brightly. "The weather will be sunny, with highs of 82 degrees Fahrenheit, and no chance of sex."

Sleepy groans broke out over the room.

"That's 28 degrees Celsius, in case anyone was wondering," said Bruce helpfully.

"That wasn't really the part that was bothering me," replied Carol, sitting up in bed and rubbing her eyes. Sam let out a mighty yawn and then rolled out of his own bed to flop on top of the duvet that Bucky was sharing with Natasha and cuddle them both through the covers.

"Morning," says Bucky, his voice gravelly with sleep. 

"Morning," replied Sam brightly, muffled by the duvet. "Thought I'd get in some Jarvis-approved non-sexual human contact."

Bucky's broad arm emerged from under the duvet to wrap around Sam's chest, and Natasha did the same. Steve was torn between feeling intensely jealous and feeling annoyed that they were being so cavalier about the rules, but elected not to make a decision until he'd had some coffee and a bagel.

When he managed to prise himself out of bed and shuffle into the kitchen, the counter was already spread with a selection of breakfast foods and a freshly brewed pot of coffee. Wordlessly, he poured a cup for himself and one for Clint, who had meandered in behind him and still looked half-asleep, with his hair sticking up in different directions and wearing only one shoe.

By the time the whole crew had emerged from the bedroom, Steve had already finished his morning workout, and he was just getting ready to take a dip in the ocean when Bucky rounded the corner and drove every rational thought out of his head. What kind of absolute asshole decides to start off a month of celibacy by walking around in the tiniest pair of swim trunks known to man and a _satin shirt_?

Steve took a deep breath and reminded himself that solidarity was more important than whatever it was his dick was thinking about, that his mom's medical bills wouldn't pay themselves, and that, most importantly, they had made a _promise_ to band together and resist temptation.

Steve's dick petitioned that the very premise of this show was based in puritanical slut-shaming and that by railing Bucky like a steam locomotive he would be pushing back against regressive behavioral norms, which is borderline _heroic_ if you think about it.

Steve retaliated by jumping straight into the ocean, still cool before the morning sun had a chance to warm it up, and thinking about baseball while furiously swimming laps.

After tiring himself out, he emerged from the sea, dripping with water and gleaming in the morning light, and headed back towards the main house. Peggy and Darcy waved him over to where they were reclining on sun loungers by the pool, and he flopped down onto a spare seat, enjoying the way the sunlight began to dry his damp skin.

"Were you successful?" asked Peggy, looking devastating in a red one-piece swimsuit and regarding him over the top of her sunglasses.

"Successful?"

"I assume your decision to engage in vigorous physical activity was some attempt at soothing the beast within, as it were."

"Yeah, did you manage to charm your trouser snake?" laughed Darcy, unsubtly readjusting her bikini top. "Muzzle your inner chihuahua?"

"Oh God," said Steve, burying his face in his hands.

"I think that's a no," said Darcy to Peggy in a stage whisper.

"Buck up, there's a good chap," said Peggy with a consoling pat to Steve's knee. "Stiff upper lip, and all that."

"Yeah, just lie back and think of England."

"Besides," added Peggy, gesturing over to the other side of the pool, where Tony was enthusiastically applying sun lotion to Pepper's backside, "I don't think you're the one we have to worry about today."

"Tony!" yelled Steve, leaping off his sun lounger to stride over, glad of a distraction. "What do you think you're playing at?"

"It's called sun protection, Captain Board Shorts," said Tony, not looking up from his task, "and if you want me to rub some on you, all you have to do is ask nicely, you know. Politeness costs nothing."

"No heavy petting's one of the rules. Come on, we all agreed to this."

"If you think I'm going to let this beautiful red-headed damsel put herself at risk of melanoma because some sentient toaster tells me to, you have got another think coming, my friend."

"You know-"

"Not to interrupt your chest-puffing and posturing or anything," offered Pepper, rolling over on her sun lounger to look at both of them in amusement, "but I asked Jarvis whether sun lotion application was against the rules and he said no."

"Glad to hear it," said Bucky, appearing out of nowhere with his billowing shirt and his stupid perfect smile and his ridiculous thighs that were _ruining Steve's day_. "I'm due for a top-up. Steve, would you be a gentleman and help me out?"

This conversation had taken a 180 so abruptly that Steve was about to get whiplash. He followed Bucky over to a sun lounger automatically, mouth opening and closing wordlessly as he tried to process his thoughts. Sun lotion application was permissible. Bucky wanted him to rub sun lotion on his body. Bucky was rolling onto his front to give Steve access to the back of his legs, his thighs, the little peek of his ass-cheeks that were visible beneath his teeny-tiny shorts. Steve's heart was about to explode in his chest.

"C'mon, Stevie," said Bucky, nudging Steve with his leg and breaking into his freak-out. "I really don't want to miss a spot and get sunburn."

Steve gulped. "Sure thing," he decided, ready to join the fight against skin cancer. "But no funny business, OK?"

Bucky turned his head to look up at Steve looming over him, blinking his eyes innocently. "Wouldn't dream of it, doll."

Steve sighed and took the bottle of lotion from the table, squeezing out a generous portion into his hands and starting to rub it over Bucky's skin, starting at the backs of his calves and working his way up to the bulging muscles of his thighs. Bucky was making little happy noises into the wicker of the sun bed, nothing obscene or overtly sexual, but enough to spark a warm, proud feeling in Steve's chest. He carried on smoothing the lotion up Bucky's legs until he reached the hem of his shorts and hesitated, then let his fingers skim just underneath the fabric to coat the perky cheeks of Bucky's ass in a light sheen of sun protection - just to be thorough, he told himself.

The speaker on the table made a loud beeping noise and Steve snatched his hands away guiltily, cursing himself for getting carried away. Bucky stayed relaxed on the lounger, only rolling his head towards the source of the noise.

"Please all dress in clothes suitable for physical activity and head towards the north side of the villa," said Jarvis. "Today we're going to be doing a trust exercise, to help you all build closer and more meaningful relationships."

* * *

After they had all changed and assembled at the north exit from the compound, a harried-looking producer opened the doors and ushered them into a clearing, where a 20 foot tall structure had been erected with dangling ropes and a couple of beaming instructors waving them over.

"Hey there, folks!" called a cheery young woman holding a set of harnesses. "Ready to do some abseiling?"

They were split by gender and the men were instructed to climb the ladder one at a time to reach the top of the tower, where an assistant was waiting to strap them into a harness. 

"Your partner down on the ground will be in charge of holding the rope so that you can rappel safely down the wall. You need to lean backwards into the harness and trust that the other person will hold your weight."

Fastened into his harness, Bucky looked down over his shoulder to where Wanda was holding the other end of the rope, which was looped over a pulley above his head and fastened securely to her waist, and winked. 

"What's taking so long?" yelled Tony from further down the ladder. "You doing your positive affirmations or something, Buckaroo?"

"I must not fear!" called down Bucky, laughing and figuring that someone would understand the reference.

"Fear is the mind-killer," added Bruce, proving him right.

"Yeah, yeah," groaned Tony, rolling his eyes, "it's the little-death that brings total obliteration. Would you get going already? Fucking nerds."

Bucky gave him a laughing and sarcastic salute and then tipped himself backwards off the platform, trusting Wanda to guide the rope slowly as he walked vertically down the wall. Once he landed, cat-like, on his feet, he whooped and grabbed Wanda for a hug. She tangled her fingers in his hair and pulled him closer, burying his face in her neck, and a happy little groan slipped out of him before he could stop it.

The assistant cleared his throat and they separated for long enough for the harnesses to be removed. Bucky slung his arm over Wanda's shoulder and they watched as Natasha held the rope for Bruce as he rappelled down the wall. When Pepper started to struggle to hold up Steve's weight, Bucky rushed over to hold onto her hips. She tipped her head back to give him a sly smile and indiscreetly wriggled backwards to press herself against him as they helped Steve to get down safely. Sam, just reaching the top of the ladder, was watching him with a skeptical frown.

All too soon, all of the men had completed their trust exercises and the women lined up to climb the ladder.

"Don't worry, sweetheart," called Bucky as Wanda looked over her shoulder in trepidation. "I've got you."

She relaxed and sat back into the harness, easily walking down the wall and running over to give Bucky another lingering hug. Steve was hooked up to Pepper, his forehead wrinkling adorably in concentration as he fastidiously let down the rope a little at a time, checking her carefully for scrapes and bruises when she reached the bottom.

Pepper laughed at his fretting and pulled him into a tight hug. "Such a gentleman. A rare quality these days."

Tony, who was just clambering into his harness, stopped to scowl over at the two of them. The assistant handed him the rope and he grabbed it absent-mindedly, still focused on Steve and Pepper.

"Is he bothering you?" he called over. Pepper gave him an incredulous look.

"Yes, Tony," she responded flatly. "I'm finding his politeness and good looks very distressing. If only someone could rescue me."

"I'm always happy to- uh oh!" said Tony, losing his concentration and dropping the rope for a second, leaving Peggy to drop about a foot before she was stopped by the pulley. Bucky raced over to her as she made her way down towards the ground and she rested her feet on his shoulders, gradually sliding down until her thighs were either side of his head. She laced her fingers together behind his head and tipped backwards, gracefully sliding down his body until she had her feet firmly on the ground and was looking him in the eyes.

"At least someone around here is on the ball," she said archly, shooting Tony a look that was incredibly unimpressed.

"I'd like to state for the record that Steve distracted me," he replied, waving his hands.

"I distracted you," said Steve, crossing his arms.

"You can't just stand around being handsome at everyone, it's unfair."

"I have to say, this has done wonders for my trust issues," drawled Peggy, unbuckling her harness and stepping out of it. "It's about time for a drink, isn't it?"

The rest of the afternoon rolled by, slow like honey. Pepper set up a martini-making station at one end of the large kitchen island and they all made liberal use of it in between lounging by the pool and floating around in the ocean.

The atmosphere was mostly pretty friendly, but Tony and Steve were giving each other a wide berth and Bucky caught Sam giving him a few dirty looks, which he summarily ignored and carried on reading his book. The hot weather was making him feel lazy and lethargic, and he was content just to get through a few chapters and have a few martinis, sprawled out on a sun lounger in his swim shorts.

Just as the sun was dipping below the horizon, Jarvis gave a grating beep, and they all turned expectantly towards the speaker. 

"Ugh, here it comes," groaned Clint from beneath the sun hat that was flopped over his face.

"There has been a breach of the rules," said Jarvis primly. "Money has been deducted from the prize fund."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You seem pretty mad," said Bucky, leaning against the door frame with his arms above his head, the lean lines of his body on display through his thin shirt.
> 
> "I don't like the rules of this game," said Steve quietly, "any more than the rest of you, but we all agreed to this. I don't like being played with."
> 
> Bucky sauntered over, his hips moving sinuously in a way that should definitely be illegal. "I know how you feel," he purred. "I kinda want to teach them a lesson."

Jarvis' announcement broke the drowsy calm that had settled over them over the course of the afternoon, and accusations began flying almost immediately.

"I'm just saying, Tony, you've been playing it pretty fast and loose with your physical contact with Pepper. It wouldn't have been hard for a line to be crossed," Steve was saying, folding his arms over his broad chest.

"Hey, takes one to know one," said Tony nonsensically.

"I really don't think you're taking this seriously. You made a promise."

"I don't mean to point fingers," added Sam, addressing Bucky and unconsciously mirroring Steve's actions, "but you've been getting pretty cuddly with a lot of different people."

Bucky smirked. "I don't think that's-"

"Oh, so I didn't see you with Peggy's legs wrapped around your head earlier?"

"I was staging a daring rescue," he explained, holding up his hands. 

"Are we doing a bottle episode?" asked Clint quietly.

"If Jarvis starts deducting money for acrobatic maneuvers performed while fully-clothed, then there's something wrong with his programming and we ought to scrap him for parts," said Peggy in a way that was surprisingly threatening.

"You were the one that crawled into bed with us this morning, Sam," said Natasha softly. "It's not really the time to start throwing stones, is it?"

"I have a lot of moves, man, but even I can't have sex through a duvet."

"Jarvis, can you just tell us what happened?" asked Bruce from the kitchen, making himself a cup of green tea.

"I can tell you that the infraction was a kiss, and it has cost you $30,000."

"That's some kiss," murmured Natasha. "I hope it was worth it."

"And who was it, pray tell, who let their lips do the talking?" asked Tony, striding around the room impatiently.

"Isn't that usually how talking works?" murmured Pepper.

"I cannot tell you who was involved, but if you guess correctly, I will confirm it for you."

"Oh, great, twenty questions, just what we needed to make this little shindig even more uncomfortable," muttered Tony.

"Was it Tony?" asked Steve.

Jarvis' speaker turned red and made a honking sound.

"I'm guessing that's a no."

"Was it Bucky?" asked Sam.

The speaker flashed red and honked.

"Sorry, man." He clapped Bucky on the shoulder.

"Hey, no hard feelings," said Bucky easily, then his smile turned devilish. "Was it Sam?" Honk. 

Sam smacked him gently over the back of the head and Bucky laughed.

"The easiest option is just to go through us alphabetically," commented Bruce, ambling back into the room with his tea. "Hey Jarvis, was it me?"

The speaker honked, but Jarvis made a disgruntled noise. "Please put some more thought into your questions," he said sharply.

"Oh great, Bruce, you made the speak-n-spell mad," said Tony.

"Is everything a joke to you, Tony?" said Steve, scowling. "It's important that we trust each other. This is serious."

"Hey, look, whoever did this," said Tony, waving his hands. "Just confess now so we can get on with our day, because I think Pepper is in desperate need of sun protection and this conversation is keeping me from applying it."

There was a moment of silence.

"It was Nat and Pepper," said Darcy, inspecting her fingernails. "What?" she added, when everyone turned to look at her. "I saw them, it was super hot."

Jarvis' speaker turned green. "That is correct."

Pepper, at least, had the good grace to look embarrassed. Nat just stretched out on her lounger and took a sip of her drink.

"Thanks everyone," she smirked. "This has been very instructive."

"The black widow, everybody," said Tony. "Great person to be stuck on an island with."

"I just like to know what I'm up against."

Throwing his hands in the air, Steve stormed wordlessly away into the dressing room to cool down. He splashed water on himself at the sink, scrubbing his hands over his face.

"You seem pretty mad," said Bucky, leaning against the door frame with his arms above his head, the lean lines of his body on display through his thin shirt.

"I don't like the rules of this game," said Steve quietly, "any more than the rest of you, but we all agreed to this. I don't like being played with."

Bucky sauntered over, his hips moving sinuously in a way that should definitely be illegal. "I know how you feel," he purred. "I kinda want to teach them a lesson."

"What did you have in mind- oh," replied Steve as Bucky pressed up against him and splayed out his fingers over his cheek.

"Seems only fair, don't you think?" he said, leaning close until his lips were only a breath away from Steve's.

"I'm sorry, Bucky," said Steve, unable to stop himself from running a hand through Bucky's wavy hair. "I just don't think it's the honorable thing to do."

"Don't ya believe in justice, Stevie?" he whispered, nosing along Steve's cheek and taking his earlobe between his teeth.

"I believe when they go low, we should go high," said Steve, taking a shuddering breath and standing straighter.

"That's a real shame, doll," said Bucky, backing off and heading out of the room. He turned to look over his shoulder, biting his plump lower lip invitingly. "Because I think I'd really enjoy going low with you." He sauntered away, leaving Steve to stare after his retreating ass.

"Hell," said Steve to nobody in particular, and went to have a cold shower.

* * *

Forgiveness seemed to have been easily reached among the rest of the contestants. Tony and Pepper were having an intimate conversation together on one of the big arm chairs and Natasha was pouring tequila shots for the rest of the group. Bucky accepted one, licking salt from the curve of Sam's pec, taking the shot and then biting a lime straight out of Carol's mouth.

"Jarvis," said Bucky, spitting out the slice of lime into his hand. "Are body shots allowed?"

"No, sir."

"Lame."

The lights started flashing and a team of exhausted, hollow-eyed producers shuffled in through the doors, holding a case of champagne and a disco ball. Steve poked his head out from the dressing room door.

"You have all made excellent progress today by working on your trust issues together," said Jarvis. "We are rewarding you with a party tonight. The rules remain in place, even when the music is playing. This will be an excellent opportunity to test your new-found powers of self-control."

The dressing room saw hitherto unheard of levels of body glitter as they all readied themselves for the evening. Bucky squeezed himself into the tightest pair of leather trousers that he owned, leaving the satin shirt - which he'd caught Steve eying so lustfully - half-unbuttoned and tucked in at the waist. 

Natasha rubbed body glitter over his chest and shoulders, left a heavy trail of it across his cheeks. The girls each sat down in turn for Clint to painstakingly glue plastic gems to their faces. It didn't take long for all of them to be sparkling and glimmering under the bright lights. Even Steve, showing them all up with his obscenely well-tailored linen shirt and neatly-pressed slacks that accentuated his dorito-like proportions, had softened enough to let Nat smear glitter on his face.

They all trouped out into the main living area, which had been transformed into a night club, complete with disco ball, dance floor, strobe lighting and a thumping bassline. The producers had disappeared as rapidly as they had arrived, leaving them to their own devices. 

Darcy and Wanda were the first to take to the dance floor, grinding and shaking together, Darcy's short, sequined dress riding up to show flashes of her thigh. A pole was set up in the very center of the floor, and Bucky made a beeline straight for it, eager to show off his skills. He leaped up to hang off the pole, wrapping his legs around it and leaning back, using only his core strength to keep him upright, and beckoned the others onto the dance floor.

It didn't take long for the dance floor to become a haze of sweating, glistening flesh pressed together, pulsing with the beat. Streaks of different-colored glitter in the shapes of fingerprints covered every inch of available skin, and even fastidious Steve was dancing close between Sam and Peggy, throwing his head back in pleasure inside the crush of bodies. He kept sneaking helpless little looks at Bucky, who was still making full use of the pole in his gyrations, clamping it between his thighs and allowing it to slowly rotate, sweeping him around in circles.

"Steven," he purred when he found himself with his back pressed up against Steve's broad chest. He dropped down into a squat and stood up slowly, dragging his whole body up along Steve's. "Enjoying yourself?"

"Uh," breathed Steve in his ear, grabbing at his hips to pull him closer. "You could say that."

Bucky tipped his head backwards and let out a low chuckle. "Not too much, I hope."

Steve groaned and his hands tightened convulsively on Bucky's hips. "You're making this really hard."

"Yeah," whispered Bucky, grinding back against him, "I noticed."

By the time Jarvis primly told them all to go to bed, Steve was a trembling, sweating mess, and Bucky wasn't much better, but they'd both managed to resist the temptation to run off into a side room for a quick and dirty fuck, which Bucky was pretty sure warranted some kind of acknowledgement or possibly a Nobel peace prize.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve was just waking up, blinking sleepily at the people milling around his sun lounger.
> 
> "Hey," said Bucky, poking Steve's bicep. "Let's increase the closeness of our romantic relationship so Jarvis lets us go on a date."
> 
> "M'kay," agreed Steve groggily. "Howzat?"

The next evening, Jarvis lit up with a surprise announcement. 

"Tony and Pepper. As a reward for the increasing closeness of your romantic relationship, we have arranged a date for you on the beach tonight."

The lovebirds looked up from where they were cloistered together in a hammock.

"Does this mean we're allowed a kiss? A little kiss-a-roo? A bijoux kiss-let?" asked Tony hopefully.

"No," said Jarvis flatly.

"Bad luck, man," said Bucky, looking up from his book. The gleaming muscles of Steve's chest as he dozed on his recliner were blocking his view of Tony and Pepper, but he couldn't bring himself to be annoyed. Steve had his head tipped back and was drooling a little bit, and Bucky was surprised that he found it incredibly endearing.

"You may now both go to the dressing room and change into formal wear," continued Jarvis, ignoring Bucky entirely. "Your date will begin in thirty minutes."

A few of them followed the lucky couple into the dressing rooms to help them prepare for their date. Carol slammed her locker door quickly on hearing them approach, and hurriedly began to debate the merits of different types of underwear with Pepper. Tony slipped into his tuxedo with practiced ease, deigning to let Clint tie his shoelaces and Bucky run a lint roller over his shoulders.

Emerging from a cloud of hairspray, Pepper walked up to Tony and began to fasten his bow tie for him, smiling. Her blue silk backless dress was stunning against her pale skin and flame-red hair. 

"Wow," said Tony. "You look-"

"I know," she replied, patting his bow. "Shall we?"

Confident Tony looked almost shy as he placed one hand on the small of her back to escort her out to the veranda. Bucky and the others followed them outside and watched as they made their way to the beach, where a table had been set up for them with a white cloth, real silverware, and a formal meal laid out. A bottle of champagne was chilling in an ice bucket in the center of the table and there was a single, red rose in a vase. Bucky sighed internally, quietly jealous.

Steve was just waking up, blinking sleepily at the people milling around his sun lounger.

"Hey," said Bucky, poking Steve's bicep. "Let's increase the closeness of our romantic relationship so Jarvis lets us go on a date."

"M'kay," agreed Steve groggily. "Howzat?"

Bucky managed to wake Steve up further by making him an espresso and then they cuddled up on the now-vacated hammock and stared mutely at each other for a moment before they started to laugh.

"I have no idea how to begin this conversation," admitted Steve, keeping his hand chastely on Bucky's waist. Bucky had to avert his eyes from Steve's gleaming chest, and slid a hand up to grasp his bicep, which didn't help the situation at all. Christ, Steve could probably lift an oil tanker over his head and toss it around like a juggling ball.

"Um... OK, so, if you could have anyone, living or dead, as a dinner guest, who would it be?" mumbled Bucky, mildly embarrassed by his hackneyed opening salvo.

"You got that out of a magazine, didn't you."

Bucky punched him on the arm. "Answer the question, punk."

Rubbing his arm, Steve thought for a moment. "I've always thought it would be cool to talk to Eugene Debs."

Bucky let out a delighted laugh, unsurprised. "Of course Mr. Collective Action is a closet socialist."

"OK then, who's yours, Ayn Rand?" snorted Steve.

"Mary Shelley, hands down," he replied immediately, having considered this question before.

Steve's eyes widened. "Oh man, I want to change my answer. She basically _invented_ science fiction." 

Bucky clapped a hand over Steve's mouth to keep himself from kissing him. "Stop being perfect."

Through Bucky's fingers, Steve managed to speak, sounding muffled. "Did you know she kept her husband's heart in her desk after he died?"

"Did _you_ know she lost her virginity on her mother's grave?" Bucky couldn't stop himself from adding, moving his hand from Steve's mouth to run through his hair, scratching at his scalp with his short fingernails and eliciting a moan.

"God, I want to bang you right now," admitted Steve, gritting his teeth, his hand tightening convulsively on Bucky's hip.

"Ah-ah, Stevie. We made a _promise_ , remember?" teased Bucky.

"Stop using my words against me."

" _While there is a soul in prison, I am not free..._ " continued Bucky with a cheeky grin.

" _Christ_ ," hissed Steve, running a hand over his face. "You're the worst."

"I know you're all about solidarity or whatever, and I get that," said Bucky, still stroking through the soft strands of Steve's hair, "but you don't believe that having sex is a bad thing, right?"

"If I did I'd be the biggest hypocrite on the planet," laughed Steve. "The entire basis of this show is problematic as hell - they shouldn't be legitimizing slut-shaming for the sake of entertainment."

Bucky let out a low whistle. "You really are a social justice warrior, huh?"

"Social justice paladin," mumbled Steve.

By the time Bucky had finished gasping with laughter in between calling Steve the biggest nerd on the planet, the sun was setting over the water and the warm air was getting cooler, perking up Steve's nipples into hard little peaks. 

"Put those away," Bucky instructed, shielding his eyes. "I don't want to lose us money by getting to second base with you."

Peggy threw a blanket at them from her perch on the couch, hitting their bodies with a thwap. "Here, before Barnes' erection gets the TV show canceled," she said sharply. 

Natasha snickered and walked over to seat herself on Peggy's lap. "I like a girl who respects the FCC," she purred.

Bucky and Steve laughed and covered themselves in the thin blanket as the two women started murmuring words to each other which, based on the expression on Peggy's face, would probably violate several broadcasting regulations.

"Take it as a compliment," said Bucky, gesturing vaguely in the direction of his crotch.

"I've been reciting every baseball statistic I've ever memorized in my head this whole time, else I'd be right there with you," admitted Steve.

"Speaking of right there with me..."

"Buck."

"I mean..." said Bucky slowly, biting his lip suggestively and being as seductive as possible. "It's not like Jarvis can see what we're doing underneath this blanket..."

"Probably not," Steve whispered, his lips hovering millimeters from Bucky's ear, "but you look like a screamer to me."

"Mmm, guilty," hummed Bucky, delighted with the turn this conversation was taking. "I bet you'd like to make me scream sometime."

"Honey, when I'm done with you there'll be people three blocks away who know what you sound like when you're having your brains fucked out."

Stricken, Bucky made a small, strangled sound and started rearranging the blanket. "I'm putting up a protective blanket wall between us," he said loudly in the direction of Jarvis' microphone. "We are being very mature and restrained."

As Steve threw his head back in laughter, gripping his own chest with one hand, Bucky reflected that being mature and restrained was highly overrated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with this fic through a long break. I have some good news, though - I submitted my doctoral thesis!

**Author's Note:**

> [Subscribe to my profile to keep up to date with my fics](https://archiveofourown.org/users/diner_drama).
> 
> What were your favourite lines? Let me know in the comments.
> 
> You can also find me on the [Tumblr](https://hi-inevitable-im-dad.tumblr.com/).


End file.
